Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
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Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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