And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
