there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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