Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence