i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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