I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
