There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
