I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
