Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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