I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
