He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
