I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize