She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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