So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
