I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
