I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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