I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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