I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
