I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
