I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
