remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
