Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
