Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
