I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
