I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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