I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
