I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
