if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she smelled like a LAN party
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
