his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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