If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
