you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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