i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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