I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
