when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
