Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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