Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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