Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
