why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
