Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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