Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
