apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
