Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
