I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
