i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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