She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
