Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
