If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
