TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
