it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
