How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
