apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
