Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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