mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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