My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
