it was like his penis was on wheels.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
