I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
