I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
