Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
