Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
