If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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