dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You are a genius and a whore.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
